Our kitchen welcomed this warm yellow Le Crueset Dutch Oven last week. My parents, who are awesome, came home from visiting my brother and his wife in Denver with this in tow. Nik christened the pot with gumbo on Thursday and my next venture is to get some tomato sauce going in there. We’ve had our eye on one of these for quite some time, so I was ecstatic to receive such a nice gift, to say the least! I, of course, had to take a few pictures. 
On our way to Daphne last week, we stopped in to see our good friends Sonya & Damon. He is now over a year old and growing like a weed. I haven’t taken pictures of him since he was 1 month. We spent the night and after Sonya left for school the next morning (she is going to be a dentist!), Parker followed me around as I got ready. I couldn’t resist his cute face (and bed head) with the morning light coming through the window. 
Nik and I headed down south for an extended weekend and returned last night. With everything that has been coming our way lately, we needed to take a break and just have some fun. We certainly did. We enjoyed the warm weather, ate great food, had a blast with family and friends and took in all the beautiful scenery. It was just what we needed. I maybe took five “real” pictures while we were there. However, I did capture tidbits via Instagram.
I can’t believe Mason is almost a year! 
I have been so overwhelmed these past few days with the outpouring of support and love. I have heard countless stories of shared heartache. There is strength in numbers. It has been extremely therapeutic and humbling for me to dialogue with so many of you. So thank you for letting put it all out there. Thank you for your comments, messages, and emails. And thank you most of all for your prayers!
Friday marked my twenty-eighth birthday. I’d like to say that the last six months leading up to my birthday have been rainbows and sunshine. But honestly, its been full of heart-ache and disappointment as Nik and I have trekked through some very personal loss.
I have really debated writing anything about our circumstances that have consumed about 90% of my thought process over this past 1/2 year. I wish I could sit here today and proclaim that I am through the worst of it. However, the truth is that I am in the thick of it. I am in the moments that will make or break my spirit. Every day I am choosing who I am by how I react and prod through the tough times. I am living a life of what seems to be agonizing perseverance.
Blogging is my therapy. So, I am writing today for myself and for someone out there that may need to hear my story. Whether this post makes me weak or brave, it really doesn’t matter. This is my tiny step towards healing today.
Over the last six months Nik and I have suffered through two miscarriages. We have two sweet babies in heaven. I dream about them all the time. And it is literally, hands-down, the hardest thing I have ever endured. It is gut-wrenching.
To be completely transparent, I have to admit that I have my doubts. I have had a few days where I’ve asked God if he is still around. If he remembers me. I’ve asked “why?” countless times.
Somewhere deep inside me, though, I know that God has a plan. Although, I have not even a clue what that plan is. All that I know is that this is life. Sometimes life brings your blessings, and sometimes it brings you trials. It’s up to me how I journey through it all.
Here is what I am learning:
1. Be kind; everyone you meet is fighting a battle. Since this is the most personal and private battle I have ever fought, this quote has a whole new meaning. I really don’t know what other people are going through. I do know that I am becoming more sensitive and more forgiving. I am realizing my words have the power to heal or to tear down. I have always “known” this, but now that I am experiencing it first hand, I know it on another level.
2. Not everything is worth fighting for (or over). Little things used to eat me up. But now, I just don’t care. People in my life are flawed, just like I am. My love for them has to be more unconditional. Life is too short and too complex to be hung up on the small things. I am becoming more free in loving those around me.
3. Eternity is for real. Our good friend Mike spoke a few weeks back about his greatest fear for his children. It all came down to the fear that they would not love God and would not spend eternity with Him. Our babies are already there. They didn’t have to experience trials or pain. They are already spending eternity in the place that my whole life is pointing to. Someday I will meet them there.
4. Time is undefeated. I had lunch with my old boss the other week and she shared this with me. She is right. There really is nothing better than time. It’s human nature to be impatient. Some days I go to bed and wish that I could sleep through the next six months because I know that time really can heal things.
5. There are practical ways to help yourself move forward. I’ve found that if I don’t read blogs about babies or check my Facebook newsfeed every day that I have a better day. Life is moving on around me, but that doesn’t mean I have to participate in it all if I’m not ready.
6. Grieve in your own way. Somedays I need to sit on the couch while watching Netflix and playing Solitaire on the iPad. Somedays I need to work really hard. Somedays I need to be out and about enjoying time with friends. I am learning that whatever emotion I wake up with, I need to embrace. I need to let myself go through the good and the bad emotions. I need to let myself grieve in my own personal way.
Today, I needed to write. Putting something so personal out there is helping me let go. Being completely honest is giving me strength. I know that this is just a season. This situation will not define me, but how I come through it will. I am just praying that with the grace of God, I make it to the other side a better person.
So excited for Megan & Corey and the life they are starting together this summer. They are so much fun!
I am so happy for Chrissy & Jake and can’t wait to do their wedding in June. Chrissy & I have a long history and its amazing to see what God has done in both of our lives since we first met. 
